February 03, 2007

Until the End of the World

It's finally Saturday and I got a chance to take a break from the hectic work during the week. This past week has been a very interesting, confusing and depressing week. Throughout the week, I have taken on two new product launch projects, had an argument with a colleague, listened to a very interesting talk by our CEO during the All Hands meeting. I don't exactly know how to explain my feelings. I guess on one way, I feel that I am relying too much on my new friends and I worry too much about their happiness and sacrifice my own. I feel like that I am making the same mistakes over and over again, being too passionate with the friends that I know. I somehow get too involved in their psychological well being and forget what I really want for myself. I am willing to work around my schedule and needs to help my friends but how many of them would do the same if I need their help. I do know that I can help my friends in some ways. However, how come they don't treasure or value our friendship until he/she needs my help? I told myself last night that I am going to be strong from now on. I am going to take a month to see how my friends will react if I don't outpour my concerns, sympathy, and love to them. If they don't really take an initiative to check on me, I know that they aren't my real friends. They just want to use me for their own benefits.

I am tired of being the nice guy. Probably the old saying that the nice guy finishes last is correct. I guess if I am more firm about what I want in my life, I will probably be a lot happier and less worried about whether my friends are fine or not.

During the argument with my colleague, I also realize that I get too wound up with the reactions that my friends are giving me. I get depressed or upset when I get treated badly by them. I should learn from now on that it's their lost if they don't want to be friends. Every single relationship in the world has to be somehow balanced. I can't be the one giving all the time. I can't be the one that's always available when my friends need me but put me aside when things are going fine. I am going to take measures to change my personality this quarter. By the end of March, I want to be a new person, an independent human being not being swayed by my friends. I also need to learn to say "NO" more frequent than before.

One thing that I did learn during this past week is that my friends back in Hong Kong are genuinely concern about me and they want me to be happy. I guess living in the foreign soil, I somehow feel that I need to take extra miles to be friends with someone. I somehow lose sight of what I want and what makes me happy.

I am going to see what will happen this weekend if I don't make any outgoing calls. I wonder whether someone would actually give me a ring and see what I am doing. After being away from Google for 6 months, I did figure out who my real friends are. Some people you just lose touch over time but some will try their best to get me involved in their activities despite the fact that I am no longer in their circle.

Anyway, let's see what happens this weekend. I need to be strong.

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