Suffocation!

I was supposed to write this entry last night but I was way too angry and frustrated with everything happened around me. Yesterday at work, one of my colleagues (Colleague A)in my team was in a bad mood. We were supposed to work on a project at work together. However, I knew that he was stressed out by other duties. Therefore, I decided to go ahead and finish the project myself and send the final output to him. Then he could pass on the information to the graphic designer to make the marketing collateral.

Since I knew he was in a bad mood, I was already trying hard to keep a distance from him and do whatever I could to ease his workload. I even tried to cheer him up but it did not work at all. When I finally went over to his desk later during the day, I told him that I finished the task and I needed him to add two screenshots before sending the document to the designer. During this process, he told me that he did not know how to get the exact screenshot that I wanted. Therefore, I volunteered and told him that I would figure out how to do it. At this very moment, he stood up, shouted "retarded," and went to ask another colleague. I was very upset by his action. I did not think that I deserved such a treatment.

I can understand that if you have a bad day at work because your supervisor or boss yells at you, you need to somehow suck it up and air your complaints to your friends later. I just don't think that it's appropriate for my peers to take it out on me because they are having a bad day. Theoretically, I do not get paid to let my peers piss at me.

Later in the afternoon, another colleague of mine (colleague B) went to talk to A and told him that I was very upset by his behavior. B ended up walking home with me and tried to make me feel better. I really appreciated him taking the time to let me voice my disappointment.

After talking to B, I went home and was going to fall asleep immediately. I just wanted to forget whatever happened at work. I ended up having a lot of dreams. In one of the dreams, I saw myself getting into a fight with A and I basically held his neck against the wall with his feet dangling on one hand and my other fist was about to punch him right in his face. It was that very moment that I woke up and realized that it was only midnight. I had a hard time falling asleep afterwards.

I spent an hour chatting with my best friend from Hong Kong. I realized that sometimes I am too nice to other people and I forget what I want for myself. I need to remember that I need to make myself happy. I can't just do everything to make others happy and forget about myself. I also have needs that I want to be fulfilled. I told myself that I ain't going to be nice to everyone around me anymore. It doesn't hurt to be a bit more selfish to pursue my own happiness.

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With the anger and stress building up in my mind, I went to work this morning and was completely upset. Normally, I would go to A's desk and chat with him for a little bit. Today, I tried my best to avoid having any contact with him. I didn't even want to work on another project with him in the afternoon. Later in the morning, he emailed me and asked me whether I wanted to have lunch with him. It was very awkward at the beginning since I did not even want to speak to him. He ended up apologizing to me and taking me out to lunch in Chinatown. We had a good conversation and we were fine with one another.

I felt a lot better after lunch since I got one thing sorted out. I really like the three colleauges in my team. I especially like hanging out with A because we are about the same age and have similar attitudes towards life, though he is a lot more adventurous than me. In the past few months at work, I did learn quite a bit from him about life and other things in general.

Despite the fact that we have resolved our conflict, I still feel that there is a sense of awkardness between us. I don't know how to explain it but I become more defensive when I am around him. I guess it will take some time for our friendship to get back to where it were before. My problem is that I am so afraid to get hurt. Once it happens, I am going to retrieve to my own little world and become very defensive and seclusive. I don't want to get in contact with others lest I get betrayed or hurt again. I guess this is also one of the reasons that I have been trying so hard to avoid getting into a serious relationship with any girl in my life.