January 19, 2007

Far Away So Close

Suddenly I feel a little bit blue today. I have no idea why I have this feeliing. While I was walking back to my studio after work, I started listening to the CD "Chariots" by Gavin DeGraw and all the emtions I have been supressing all come up at the same time.,

It's interesting that after I move to the city, I feel that I am so lonely in this work. You know, everyone I come across many people on the street, everyone is so far away emotionally but in reality we are just several feet from one another. Have you ever wonder the people that you encounter in the subway each day? What does his/her life like? You can also get more philosophical by questioning: Why do I run into this person? What am I doing each day?

Yesterday, I got a comment from a person that I did not know on the blog:
googooww said...
You talked about wanting to sort out your life, but then you only talked about your jobs. Did you ever stop to think that you might want something more?

It never occurs to me that I just talk about work all the time. I realize that I have been defining myself by my school or work in the past 29 years. When I was young, I cared so much about my grades and where I went for school. After that, I cared so much about where I worked, how much I earned, and what position I was in. It's the constant fear that I am being left behind in this world of endless competition. On one end, I just want to let loose of myself and follow what I want to do; on the other hand, I feel that I need to fulfill the expectations that the society, friends, relatives, families have on me. I know it's a kind of self-imposed meaningless measure. However, at the end of the day, I am struggling to find the right balance between the two. Is there actually a right balance?

I stopped for a moment and pondered what I actually wanted in my life. It's very sad to say that I actually don't know what I want outside of work. I keep thinking and I don't even know what makes me happy. I like spending time with my friends, sharing their joy and sadness. There isn't a single hobby or activity that I crave for. It's sad but it's true. One thing that I am very interested in doing is to join a boxing club. However, I don't have the extra cash for it at the moment. Otherwise, I would love to take the time to release my energy through a no bullshit fight. Just fight, no talking, fight till I collapse.

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