Lonesome Jim

From the movie "Lonesome Jim"

"I came home ‘cause I ran out of money and had nowhere else to go. If I had any other option, I would’ve taken it. I did not consider having a place to come home to a blessing. Instead, I though of it as a burden and a symbol of failure. I’m ashamed to admit that growing up, I pitied you, and what I thought was your naïve belief that our dreams could come true simply by the virtue of having them.

Because the truth, as I witnessed it, was something completely different. The truth actually was that nothing worked out, and no one anywhere lived the life they wanted. But I see now that it was me with the naïve belief. I thought if I resigned myself to disappointment, at least I’d be better off than those people who tried and failed. I hate myself for only realizing this now, and for taking and taking from you without giving anything back. I promise not to waste any more time or take your love for granted."

What do you think about the paragraphs above?

My Life, My Demons Part 1

Last night, I was planning to head out with a colleague of mine who lives in the city. However, he ended up getting too tired after spending a day working at the Stanford Career Fair. So, I was debating what I should do to kill the night. My ex-colleagues from Google called me a few times to head down to a bar in Mission and 21st. I was about to go but I ended up being too tired to take a cab to go to the club. I ended up staying at home cleaning up my apartment and having a great conversation with my best friend back in Hong Kong.

In case you don't know, the friend that I am referring to is actually the person who I have known for the longest period of time besides my family members. I have known her since I was 3 or so. So, literally, I have known her for 27 years. That's a really long time.

I was talking to her about things happened at work and in my life. I realize that I am refusing to grow up. I think turning into 30 is one of the biggest fear I have in my life. Not only have I been told before that I would die by the age of 30, I also realize that I need to clean up my act and figure out what I want before 30.

I am lying to myself because I refuse to grow up.

The older I get, the more I want to be a perfect person. I tend to be very harsh on myself but pretty easy on my friends. I don't think there's anything wrong about it. However, I may point out that I may end up making everyone around me to be happy except myself. I should treat myself better and put myself in a better position. I should be nicer to myself.

;Since I came to US in 1995, I developed this insatiable need to be the best in everything. When I was back in Hong Kong in high school, I cared less about school and everything. I had so much confidence that I knew if I just put in some time, I would definitely be fine. That's why I ended up doing everything that a typical student in the "elite" class in my high school won't do. I stayed late after class to play volleyball when I was in F.2. I spent all the time to running student organizations when I was in F.3. I basically spent every bit of my energy after work to organize joint school activities. I still remember the time that it was such an ss="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">opportunity to go to girls' school after class each day to have meeting about various joint school events. You know, it really helps if you go to a boys school and have chances to hang out in a girls school.

Anyway, my time in high school passed with a very uneventful event in F.6. Many of you know that I like to help people and make my friends happy a lot. When I was in F.6, I was asked to run so many organizations that I started passing some duties to some of my "inactive" classmates, those that hadn't built up enough social capital and network to be invited to lead student organizations. In Hong Kong, having the ability to run students organization would increase your likelihood of getting into universities, especially if you are looking to get into universities in US or UK.

So, I ended up giving up an opportunity to be the chairman of an organization and heavily recommended my buddy for the position. The teacher-in-charge ended up agreeing with me and let my buddy be the one. Since then, our friendship eroded. I guess it all came with the attention and fame that you got once you became the chairman of an organization. My mate still lying to me and speaking behind me. It was up to a point that I finally discovered what it was all about. I was very upset and have since been afraid to get too close to anyone around me.

Here I am now, 13 years later, I still let this incident haunting over me. How can I breakaway from this demon that has been with me for such a long time?

ar.....so late, so early

The following story comes from a person's real life experience. After thinking more about it, I feel that it's very entertaining and would like to share with you folks.

M: A guy working out in a gym
F: A lady working out in a gym

The story goes as follows:

It's shortly after work. M decided to go to the gym to work out. Usually, he doesn't like to go to the gym right after work because it's over-crowded and he hates waiting in line to get on the treadmill.

(A line waiting for treadmill machines)

M in the middle of the line. F was ahead of M.

F: It's so crowded today. I don't know how long I have to wait.
M: Well, I think it shouldn't be too bad. It's supposed to have a 20-minute limit on each machine.

F: You never know, some people just want to stay on the machine for an hour.
M: That's true. Well, there's nothing we can do about it. So, I guess we just have to wait and use other machines.

F: I guess so. Hey, do you work in the city?
M: Yeah, and you?
F: yea...blah blah blah....
.......

M and F ran into one another again at the arm curl machine. They started talking again.

F: blah blah blah blah blah blah.....I am so hungry now. I don't know what to eat after the gym.
M: Well, there are so many options around here. It really depends on what you want. Just don't stuff yourself and fall asleep.
F: I know, I need someone to keep me awake till late night. Blah Blah Blah...Do you have any dinner plans?
M: Not really, I was going to grab something on my way home.
F: Blah Blah Blah...well, do you want to grab a bite together?

M: (feeling a bit awkward since he just met F) Sure, why not?
F: well, let's meeting at the front desk 30 minutes later.

1/2 hour later...
M and F met at the front door of the gym. They started walking in the downtown area and finally grab some pizza at a local joint. The conversation carried on.

M: Well, I am so full now. I shouldn't go to bed.
F: blah blah blah....you have any plans for tonight?
M: not really, probably just watch a movie at home.....blah blah..(talking about what DVDs he has)
F: hey, if you don't mind, let's watch it together since I don't want to fall asleep.
M and F realized that they lived two blocks from one another.

M and F went home to M's place.
F chose a movie. It's "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant.

M (feeling very awkward since he doesn't know where he should sit)
F (jumps on his bed, making it like her own place)
M (sitting down on his office chair)
F (well, you can lay down if you want. you don't need to sit upright)

M joined F...........
.......movie rolls........
.......things happened between M and F...........
.......M and F finally fell asleep.........
.......F snores lightly....... (M: WTF!)
.......They cuddled and slept.......
.......It's was so noisy upstairs. M was having a hard time sleeping. Of course, he was looking at F......
.......Finally M and F both were asleep.
.......Suddenly, F woke up at 5a.m. or so. Within 10 seconds, F had everything on and ready to go home....
........M: Half asleep and half waken....Are you leaving now?
........F: yes, I have to go.
........M: Do you want me to walk you home?
........F: No, I am fine. (F was about to walk to the door)....
........M: (still confused and not fully up)okay.....
F left.

M told his colleague the next day at work. M was confused and didn't know what he did wrong.
Colleague A: "Hey man, I did that before."
M: okay.
Colleague A: That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Maybe F just wanted to go home. You are such a playboy.
M: No, I am not. I am a good guy.

M and colleague A laughed.

So, what happened?
Did F get pissed at M?
Is F possessed by demons and suddenly realized that she had to go?
Was M being sloppy?
Is F actually crazy?
......
that's why I decided to call this story "so late...so early" for the fact that it happened unexpectedly late at night and F left so early.

Organizational Evolution

Since I started working last February, I realized that organizational evolution is very commonplace in startups. For example, I joined my current company in last October. Since then, I have had 4 different bosses. Our team keeps getting shifted from one manager --> VP --> CEO --> Director. I guess our team must be very tough to handle. Or our team may be so bad that no one wants to take on this "liability".

For some reason, I think I have reached a "Zen" state at work. I am able to take any shocking news and digest it without much anger. Usually, I get angry and feel frustrated very easily at work, especially when things are not going in the right directions. I have been able to move to a "ZEN" state to make peace with whatever happened at work since last week. That's one of the biggest achievements I have made so far.

So far, I still think that one of the best takeaways that I have had since last February is the new friends that I have made. I got to see different types of people at the three firms that I have worked. It's a good feeling that I am able to make some good friends in my first and current firms. Even though I have only spent a few months at my first job, I am still in contact with a number of folks there. I count that as a blessing and am very thankful for that.

I am disoriented!

Today is the day that i realized that I am getting disoriented and going crazy.

Here is the description of what I did:

(Antony stared at the computer monitor, doing his work; he had his IPOD headphones on)
(Colleague A, sitting diagonally behind Antony, yelled and asked Antony a question.)
(Antony heard someone calling his name.)
(He turned around......)
(Colleague A stood up, overlooking Antony.)
......
Antony took his glasses off, couldn't see a thing........
Antony: blah blah blah
Colleague A: blah blah blah....
Antony, with glasses off, looked very confused. He couldn't hear anything that colleague A said. He thought it was weird that he heard nothing but his colleague's mouth was obviously talking.
......
Antony realized that he took the wrong item off.
He needed to take off his headphones but not his glasses.
He quickly put his glasses back on, pretended that nothing happened.
Antony: blah blah blah. I think so.
Colleague A: okay

Well, you can see that I am completely disillusional and have no idea why that happened. Instinctly, I just remember to take some thing off so that I could hear the person's talking. I did take some thing off, but it's my glasses.

Am I going crazy?

I guess Kenny from Little Britain must have hypnotized me!
"Look into my eyes! Look into my eyes! Don't look around my eyes! Three two One, take off your glasses, don't take off your earphones."

Let me go!

This afternoon, I ended up walking around in the city for 3+ hours. I stopped at a coffee shop to write a few cards to my friends back home. After that, I was wandering around the Union Square and decided to sit down and finish a slice of pizza that I bought earlier. I was sitting on the stairs facing the giant Macy's department store. I ended up taking some pictures. The bright neno light is a perfect contrast of what I feel in my mind. Lately, I have been feeling blue and lost. I feel like being trapped in a prison in Guantánamo Bay. Somehow I am torturing and interragating myself, trying to rationalize every decision I have made in the past.

I ended up calling my best friend in Hong Kong to chat with her a little bit. WheneverI talk to her, she always makes me feel better. She is the only one that never doubt what I want to do in my life. She encourages me to be a stronger person and to follow my guts. Too frequently, I am too afraid to take any action that may jepoardize my future. I feel that I have made enough mistakes in my life. Somehow, I know that I have to let myself go and be easy on myself.

I learned quite a lot from my best friend's blog. If you know how to read Chinese, you should check out her blog at http://hk.myblog.yahoo.com/kathyhui110/. I am positive that you will feel a lot better after reading it.

Annie's Social Club

Last night, I went with my colleauge Luke to a bar on Mission street called Annie's Social Club. It's actually a pretty neat place because the music that they play there is more of a old disco music. Anyway, I was pretty zoned out when I first got there, since I didn't know anyone in the club. After getting 5 or more rum and coke, I started getting tipsy and talking to Luke and his ladies. I think by the end of the night, I had about 10 rum and coke.

After the bar closed at 2, we were about to go to one of Luke's friends house. However, we couldn't find a taxi outside the pub. After walking on south of Market for like 20 minutes, we decided to split and go home. Luke, Leah (Luke's friend), and I came across an Indian restaurant that still opened at that time, we decided to go inside to get a bit. I ordered some lamb curry, prawn masala, nanna bread, and an order of rice. We had a great conversation about some random topics. At one point, we even talked about the panotopic and war etc. I guess with a few drinks, any seemingly boring topic would suddenly become interesting. Anyway, I remember that I was up till 4 in the morning and Luke ended up crashing on my futon for a few hours before he went home. It was a great time and it definitely helps get rid of the pressure that I have been experiencing the past few months at my new job.

Today, I did my laundry for the 1st time in my apt. building in San Francisco. I realized that I accumulated so many dirty clothes that I needed to run two machinese to clean all of them. Also, I finally got back to the gym for the 1st time in a year. I spent an hour in the 24hr fitness on Sutter Street. I felt very good afterwards. I am hoping that I can start going there more often in the morning or after work, since the place is within walking distance to my apt building.

I called my parents this morning and told them that if my work doesn't get better in 2007, I would probably move back to Asia or go to some other places. I have not left the San Francisco Bay area since December 2005. I start having the feeling that I am being trapped here and I want to escape.

Anyway, it's Monday tomorrow. Hopefully this coming one will go by peacefully.

Far Away So Close

Suddenly I feel a little bit blue today. I have no idea why I have this feeliing. While I was walking back to my studio after work, I started listening to the CD "Chariots" by Gavin DeGraw and all the emtions I have been supressing all come up at the same time.,

It's interesting that after I move to the city, I feel that I am so lonely in this work. You know, everyone I come across many people on the street, everyone is so far away emotionally but in reality we are just several feet from one another. Have you ever wonder the people that you encounter in the subway each day? What does his/her life like? You can also get more philosophical by questioning: Why do I run into this person? What am I doing each day?

Yesterday, I got a comment from a person that I did not know on the blog:
googooww said...
You talked about wanting to sort out your life, but then you only talked about your jobs. Did you ever stop to think that you might want something more?

It never occurs to me that I just talk about work all the time. I realize that I have been defining myself by my school or work in the past 29 years. When I was young, I cared so much about my grades and where I went for school. After that, I cared so much about where I worked, how much I earned, and what position I was in. It's the constant fear that I am being left behind in this world of endless competition. On one end, I just want to let loose of myself and follow what I want to do; on the other hand, I feel that I need to fulfill the expectations that the society, friends, relatives, families have on me. I know it's a kind of self-imposed meaningless measure. However, at the end of the day, I am struggling to find the right balance between the two. Is there actually a right balance?

I stopped for a moment and pondered what I actually wanted in my life. It's very sad to say that I actually don't know what I want outside of work. I keep thinking and I don't even know what makes me happy. I like spending time with my friends, sharing their joy and sadness. There isn't a single hobby or activity that I crave for. It's sad but it's true. One thing that I am very interested in doing is to join a boxing club. However, I don't have the extra cash for it at the moment. Otherwise, I would love to take the time to release my energy through a no bullshit fight. Just fight, no talking, fight till I collapse.

Old Chelsea Fish and Chips

While I was debating what I should eat for tonight's dinner, I came across a crappy place called "Old Chelsea Fish and Chips". Since I didn't want to get any Mexican food around my neighborhood and I just wanted something cheap, I decided to give this little dirty restaurant a try. It turned out to be pretty good. Though the fish and chips are definitely very greasy. Now I feel that my blood vessels are clotting up. Oh well, I guess it doesn't hurt to eat the greasy Fish and Chips once in a while.

I waited for a while before I got my order. They wrapped the fish and chips in newspaper (of course, they have a butter/baking sheet on top of it). It's kind of authentic and makes me feel like being in some old British town. I am going to explore some other areas in my neighborhood in the coming months. Hopefully, I will find something more delicious and interesting.

No Shame in My Game

The picture above was taken in December 2006 at Phenoix in San Francisco. From left to right, Isaac, Dave, Luke, and myself. They are my colleagues at the current firm. We used to work in the same team when I first joined the firm.

----

Since the beginning of the year, I have spent more time thinking about what I want in my life. It's a scary thought that I am approaching 30 in 9 months. I always think that I need to sort out my life by the time I reach 30. I can't still be fooling around and giving myself excuses for not doing the right things.

After trying out three different jobs since the beginning of 2006, I have reached a stage that I need to figure out what I really want. I have worked in a major big firm and two start-ups. Despite the fact that each company has its own culture and politics, I think I have been giving my best to each of the position I have held.

Because of some organizational changes, I have not been really able to settle down in my current position. Many times, I feel like putting in some much effort in my work but I end up getting nothing out of it. It's not like I need some sort of recognition or some thing. I just want people to understand that I have been sucking it up and put all my energy at work.

When I was visiting one of my good high school friends in Philadelphia back in Dec 1995, I had a great conversation with him after a few drinks. We both agreed that every human being in the world craves for some sort of recongition, which could be money, fame, status, or popularity. I guess human beings are gregarious animals that we need to rely on one another for physical and emotional support. What I am missing in my life is some sort of support that I get from my friends. The older one gets, the harder it is for me to open up to my friends. Many times, I just want to keep drinking till I forget everything. Though it would be a painful reminder that I am still alive the next day. One of the highlights from last year is for me to meet some very good friends during my time at Google. Steve, Chris, Jordan, and Jeff have all helped me a lot through many difficult times last year. I think that's something that I need to be very grateful about.

Since I joined my current company, the size of my team has decreased from 7 to 4 people. I feel like that I am trying so hard to be friends with my colleagues at times. You know, the most important thing at work is to enjoy it. I know it's hard to achieve but I still refuse to believe that we have to work in hostile environment just to pay our pills. I have tried to organize some sort of activities for our teammates to get to know one another better. I still believe that there is a purpose for me to come across certain people in my life. That's why I value each of the person that I meet at various occasions. I believe that I can learn from each one and be a better and stronger person.

Moving to San Francisco

After months of commuting from Mountain View to San Francisco, I finally decided to move to San Francisco to cut down the commute time. I spent a day right before the new year to look for apartments in the city. Since I can only afford places less than US$1,200, I basically have to limit my choices to studios in certain pockets of the city.

I finally found one studio on the 5th floor of a high rise in Lower Nob Hill. It's very close to the Union Square and a few bookstores and coffee shops, which are my favoriate places to hang out whenever I have free time. I still vividly remember that I spent hours in coffee shops on Franklin Street in Chapel Hill. Caribou Coffee, StarBucks, Rosemary Coffee were my favorite joints. I could spend an entire day there studying and ended up walking back to my dormity at midnight. Those were the tough but good old days.

Finally, I moved to a new studio in San Francisco last Saturday. So far, I am liking the place a lot. However, during my move, I realized that I needed to fill in the change of address form to forward my mails from my old crib in Mountain View. To reduce the possibility of identity theft (unfortunately, I have been the victim twice in the past 4 years), I looked up some information from the Money Magazine. Here are some numbers that should become handy if you don't want to get tons of junk mail or direct sales calls at your apartment.

Stop Credit Card Solicitation: 1-888-567-8688
Remove your name from mailing lists: www.dmaconsumers.org
National Do Not Call Registry: www.donotcall.gov
You can also get free credit report 3 times a year at www.annualcreditreport.com. This is a legit site and not a scammy site which has hidden restrictions that you need to enroll in their credit protection program.

Mid-October Review

It's hard to believe that October is marching to its end. Somehow I feel like that a lot happened this past couple of weeks. Not only did I have a new job but also a new work schedule. Though it sucks that I have to take the Caltrain and change to Muni to work every day, I do love the atmosphere of working in the city. I actually don't mind dressing up to work at all. It makes me feel that I am actually growing up and working in the real work.

Anyway, I took the time this past week to re-organize my living space. Hopefully things will go smoother from now on. I don't really buy in the fung-shui thing a lot but I do think that the yin/yan balance plays a role in our life.

Well, my 29th birthday is less than a week away. I don't have any plans yet. I was hoping to do something big before but now I just want to do some thing low profile. I just want to stay in bed for an entire day!

One Blood - Terence Jay

Recently, I finally got a chance to watch the movie "Green Street Hooligans." It's an excellent movie about the British footballer culture. The movie tells a story of an American being kicked out of Harvard University and moving to London to stay with his sister and brother-in-law. Of course, the movie goes into details about the broken family of the American student. However, what struck me the most is how it explains the cultural differences between the American and the British; the honesty and the brotherly love between the characters. It's a fascinating movie if you have time to catch it.

By the way, the theme song of the movie is actually performed by one of the actors, Terence Jay, who played the Harvard snob in the movie.

Terence Jay – One blood

In the far away fires
Where the hills forever burn
At the feet of our heroes
We try hard to learn
But the lesson is lost there
In the smoke and the mud
That we are one flesh, one breath, one life, one blood

I stood by the river
That ran red with shame
I stood in the killing fields
Where death had no name
I stood with my brothers
And away it flood
And we where one flesh, one breath, one life, one blood

Then I felt to the ground
Tasted ashes on my tongue
Thinking that only the death
Are forever young

There was peace in the twilight
And for a moment among
It was a world without danger
A world without war
And I will take all your suffering
It will do any good
Cause we are one flesh, one breath, one life, one blood

Good Charlotte

I went to the Good Charlotte's concert in Fillmore on my own. Surprisingly, I felt like I was going to a middle-school or high-school gathering. Most of the people went there with their parents. I have no idea when Good Charlotte becomes a band for middle-schoolers. I know they always have a big following among the teens but it really shocked me to see mums and dads standing on the side of the concert hall, while their kids were going crazy in the main standing hall.

I don't remember seeing such a scence when I went to their concert 3 years ago in San Jose. I guess I may have aged too quickly that I feel like everyone is a middle-schoolers. However, I did enjoy the concert and I hope they will have a great CD coming out in the Spring.

Badly Drawn Boy

Last week, while I was trying to kill my downtime by looking at the websites of my favorite artists, I found out that the UK Band, Badly Drawn Boy, has a new CD coming out in October. What's more, I discovered that they are actually coming to San Francisco in October. Without any hesitation, I purchased a ticket to see them play at Great America Music Hall in San Francisco Downtown.

I started noticing the band because they contributed a few songs to the soundtrack of "About A Boy." I watched the movie and loved it a lot. I ended up getting the soundtrack because I just love their songs a lot!

I checked on their website and found that they have a new song titled "Nothing's Gonna Change Your Mind." The first three lines of the lyrics caught my immediate attention. It's basically a vivid reflection of what has been going on in my life in the past two weeks. You can click on the link of the band's name below to listen to it.

Enjoy!

--------------------------
Nothing's Gonna Change Your Mind - by Badly Drawn Boy

This would be easier if you'd understand
Face the truth and realise that none of this was planned
The way we worry about such little things
Take a time to take the break
darling spread your wings
I stole all the roses that make your crown
Now it's easier
to just put aside the things that face us now

Let's dance! To the beat of the drum!
Let's go out! Where we don't know anyone!
Cause it's you! I don't need anyone else!
I got you! I don't need anyone else but you...

strange how something comes from nothing
I came around to your way
of thinking about these things
saw your face in a crowd
I knew that you were special
and ****** change my world
if i could help you now

but nothing's gonna change your mind
and no one's gonna help you now
if nothing's gonna change your mind
then no one's gonna help you find
your place in this world
so strange we don't need *************

Let's dance! To the beat of the drum!
Let's go out! Where we don't know anyone!
Cause it's you! I don't need anyone else!
I got you! I don't need anyone else but yoooooooouuuuuuu!!!!!!

and no one could ask for more

but nothing's gonna change your mind
and no one's gonna help you now
if nothing's gonna change your mind
then no one's gonna help you now
--------------------------------------------------
*** means I can't figure out the lyrics.

Cary Brothers

I have been listening to this song so many times in the past two weeks. It's a song by the band "Cary Brothers." It's such a wonderful song that I can't stop crying everything I heard it. I first heard of the song on Matt Crest's girlfriend's MySpace website. It just caught me completely off guard when I realized that tears were dropping down my chin.

The song is also included in the soundtrack of the recently release movie "The Last Kiss." Needless to say, I ended up getting the soundtrack and watching the movie. It's an excellent movie about a guy (played by Zach Braff) who was about to get married and became uncertainly about his life. All of his friends are 29 (I am turning 29 in a month) and are experiencing various problems in their relationships: getting married, contemplating to get a divorce, having problem let go of one's past love, having fear of committment. Even though I am not in a relationship, I can echo part of the confusion you get when you approach 30. When I was young, it seemed forever to reach 30. Now, 30 is just within the reach of my toe.

Am I going to have a new me by age 30? I think I have been crying inside to have a drastic change in my life.

----------------------------
Ride - Cary Brothers

You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I’ll ever know

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

Punch You in Your Face

Whenever I get really angry or frustrated, I just want to "Punch someone in his/her face." Of course, I can't literally do that because it will probably bring me to a jail cell immediately. There are many times that when I see someone saying something irresponsible or inconsiderate, I just want to "punch him in his face." I had joking around my ex-colleagues at Google that I wanted to "punch them in his face." Sometimes, the person that I want to punch has nothing to do with the incident, I just want to release my anger before it gets built up inside me.

Anyway, I was at Bloomingdale's yesterday and I came across a T-shirt in the sales rack that truly reflects my feelings. I basically want to wear it every day to warn people that I want to punch them in their face if they act selfish. You can actually go to the company's website at www.2ktshirts.com to order many creatively designed shirts from a number of budding designers. Take a look at the site and you will end up finding something that you really like!

One Hour Before You Die

If you knew that you were going to die in the next hour or so, who would you call and what would you say to the party on the other side of the phone?

Despite the fact that it's a rhetorical question, many of us never give a second thought when we meet someone in-person or talk to someone on the phone. How could you be 100% sure that that won't be the last time you would ever speak to the person? I am not trying to be a pessimist but am merely trying to point out the reality that nothing is for certain in our world. Many of us take things and people around us for granted and forget to be thankful for little things happen in their life or love each person around them.

Tonight, I took the chance to pick up the original A&E channel movie, Flight 93, which is a reconstruction of the event happened on UA 93 on September 11, 2001. I couldn't help crying when I watched the movie and listened to the conversations between the passengers and their families. The passengers knew that they were going to die. They were making their last call to talk to someone that they loved dearly. Some of them called their parents, while some called their significant others. Imagine if you were on the plane, who would you call and what would you tell your loved one?

The movie makes me think more about what I want in life and what I want to achieve. I am not hero but I do want to make a significant and positive impact of people's lives. I want people to learn how to value and treasure every thing, every person they have in their lives. Somehow I find that this core value is missing in my life. I wish there were more that I could do to help the people around me. I want everyone around me to know that they have a purpose on earth and they do many a significant impact on me, no matter how trivial that is. It can be a single laugh in the office or a stupid thing we do together.

I want to dedicate this post to the loving friends and families that I have in my life. They are all heroes in my life.

Also, if you have a chance, I'd encourage you to read this excellent website which details the life of each person on Flight 93. I hope everyone of the victim's families will know that we are still moaning with them five years after the event.

Death of My Friends

Have you ever wondered how you would feel if your friends around you suddenly passed away? Would you regret something that you did or didn't do in his/her life? Somehow I question myself each year as I grow older whether I actually love and treasure the people around me, without taking everything for granted. That's why I want people around me to be happy, to love one another, and to provide support to them if needed.

Benji Cantwell
Two years ago on August 22, a friend of mine, who was a devoted Christian, passed away in a motorcycle accident. It's hard to believe that it's been two years since Benji Cantwell left his band and his group of fans behind. Despite the fact that I know for sure that he is in better hands now, I still feel very sad and depressed about his death. I met Benji back in March 2004 when I was working out at the 24-hr fitness in Mountain View. He invited me to attend his church in Redwood City on Sunday and I gladly accepted. Somehow I was surprised to learn that most of the church members are not the typical wealthy white Christians you see in many Churches around Palo Alto. Many of them are actually Hispanic immigrants or Christians with a more "typical" or "average" American lifestyle. I enjoyed the diversity of the group and I started going to the weekly bible study held by Benji's brother, Josh Cantwell.

I really learned a lot during the time I spent with the Cantwell family. They are such a devoted, loving family. Benji had a great passion to use his music to spread the gospel to the people around him, though he was also a fun and compassionate person. I helped out Benji briefly during the preparation of his 2nd major CD release as he was gearing up to attend professional photoshoot and going to LA to do the mixing and recording. However, I became too busy and too involved in my own emotional affairs that I didn't put in as much effort as I wish. The last time I heard from him was in July when he told me that he just released his 2nd album and bought a new motorbike. He even sent me a picture of it. I was so happy to listen to the CD and ended up getting a few copies for my friends.

Well, even though Benji was gone, we can still help out his ministries by going to http://www.benjicantwell.org . You can purchase his CDs and see his performance! Most importantly, I encourage you to donate to his ministries. I know that's what Benji really wanted in his life. He wanted to have a positive impact on the people around him. I was the fortunate one to get to know him during his 25 years on earth.

Ng Kar-Yue
Ng Kar-Yue, a high school friend of mine from Hong Kong, passed away this March because of heart failure. Despite being in the States, a group of our high school buddies contributed to send a bouquet of flowers to the funeral home where the memorial service took place. I was touched but happy that all of our high school buddies showed some sort of support together to "celebrate" his life even though we were thousands of miles away.

I knew Kar-Yue when I was in Secondary two (equivalent of the eighth-grade in US). When I looked at the time I spent at Queen's College (my middle and high school), I realized that I actually was never in the same class with Kar-Yue. We happened to know each other pretty well through our common friends including Albert Hsu and Manfred Lam. We ended up hanging out quite a bit when I was at Queen's College and after I returned from North Carolina in 1999. I still kept the book that Kar-Yue gave me when I was about to leave Hong Kong in August 1995 to start my undergraduate at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. After I became a Christian and returned to Hong Kong in 1999, Kar-Yue invited me to attend his church a few times and I went along once to check it out.

Kar-Yue is and will ever be a role-model of my life. Despite his heart conditions, he was very devoted in serving God in any ways he could. After he graduated from college, he worked in a community center to help immigrant kids. He spent endless hours in the center to encourage and educate the kids to make sure that they felt loved by someone. He took them out to movies, which many of the immigrant kids couldn't even afford. I read his website and learned so much how the work he did on each and every one of the kid in the center. Trust me, I don't understand how someone could be so selfless in helping other people. He gave more than 100% to the kids even thought it was just a job that he was having at the community center.

Everyone of us from high school has long known that Kar-Yue had a heart condition. However, he did very well in school and had never used his medical condition as an excuse for not participating in various activities. He worked hard at school and spent time outside school in many activities organized by the Christian organizations on campus. Just when all of us thought that he was doing excellent, he started getting ill again in December. No one would have predicted that this time, the hospital stay would be longer than before. I heard from my high school friends that during his funeral. The funeral hall was completed jam-packed with people. It showed that during his brief time on earth, he had a significant impact in changing the course of many people. Kar-Yue, I wish you well in Heaven.

Matt Cress
The death of my college friend, Matt Cress, was a big blow in my life. Matt passed away this July in the hospital. After a battle with cancer and another battle with mental illness, Matt finally decided to end his life on earth. I was disheartened when I heard this news from Jason Lutz, my best buddy in college. I met Matt my junior year in college when both of us were involved in the Campus Crusade for Christ. A group of us including Matt went on to the Big Break in Panama City Beach in March 1998. Matt was sharing his stories about his battle with cancer and how he fought and won the war. It was a very touch and impressive life story. However, behind the happy face, no one knew that he was battling another war with his own mind. During the times that we hanged out, none of us really felt any different or strange about Matt. He was always very cheerful and positive in groups. You can read more about Matt's life on his girlfriend's myspace website.

I was disheartened when I learned about his suicide. After reading his suicide letter, I feel that I understand the pain he had been through all the years. I don't want to go into details about it on my post here but if you ask, I am more than happy to share with you. I couldn't help crying for a few days when I read and re-read his note. I feel the pain, the angry, the frustration, the loss of hope, and the despair within in words. I wish I had known about it. I wish people would have asked. I wish he would have shared it with us before his suicide. I wish....

Online Dating Facts

With the advent of the Internet technologies, you probably have experienced some random people trying to add you as a friend on your myspace or thefacebook account. You probably think that you are so hot that everyone is going after you. You start wondering why the girls or boys around you are not interested in you and thinking that you are in the wrong place and the wrong time to find a partner.

In addition to the social network sites, there are plenty of dating websites catering for your special taste. The ones that are well-known include match.com, eharmony.com, and Yahoo Personals. Okay, I can honestly confess to you that I have never signed up an account with any dating websites, though I was tempted to do so in many occasions, especially why I am sitting at home alone on a quiet Friday night.

According to a survey on dating and Internet use conducted by the PEW Internet and American Life Project, here are some interesting findings (Carolina Alumni, p.106, July/August edition):

Of the 10 million adult Internet users who are single and seeking a romantic partner, 74% have used the Internet in their quest and 37% have used a dating website. Other online activities reported include searching for information about prospective dates, exchanging e-mail or instant messages with prospective dates, maintaining a long-distance relationship and breaking up!

1) 18% of singles age 18-29 use online dating services; they are more likely than any other age group to do so.

2) 22% of singles age 18-29 say they are looking for a romantic partner. The rest are evenly split between those who say they aren't looking and those who are in committed relationships.

3) 17% of adults who have used online dating services say they have entered a long-term relationship with or married someone they met through an online dating service.

4) 64% of online daters think online dating helps find a better match because it helps a person meet more people.

5) 61% of online adults do no think online daters are desperate; 29% do. Younger users generally are more likely to have a favorable opinion of online dating.

6) 55% of adults who are single and looking say that it's difficult to meet people where they live.

7) 66% of Internet users think online dating is dangerous because it involves putting personal information online.

8) In 2004, dating web sites created more revenue than any other paid online content!

Okay, should I start a dating website or should I start using one?
Drop me a comment and let me know what you think.